Recovery (Inspired by Eminem)

Tell me, how many more must I leave on this road?
I cut off each limb to save each body in hope
That it’ll be the last
The last to fall,
But I don’t think it’ll ever happen for me–
I guess this is  what they call destiny.

I’m fine with it,
No, really.
Leave me alone,
I ask these questions to me
I will recover because I’ve never felt pain I didn’t need.

Let these scars serve as a reminder
I’m a warrior, not a survivor:
When you come to mess with my head,
You’ll be thrown aside, conquered.

Whether you care about what I think or not,
I don’t really give a what
I won the last ten battles in this war
Cuz success is my only option, failure’s not.

[Ending inspired by Eminem’s Lose Yourself]

*Originally posted in Rhapsody Recovery*

Rhapsody Recovery

I was blessed with this amazing ability, Alhamdulillah, of being able to let people go. By that I mean let them go from my life without the fear of not recovering. But the thing is, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It actually hurts like someone is slowly peeling the skin off of my heart. That’s why I don’t like drawing it out. I cut people off like an amputation. And then let it bleed; and test my endurance.

So I just discovered, that how much it hurts depends on two types of people:

  1. How far said person got over my wall
  2. How long they spent trying to get over my wall

So it takes time. To recover from any kind of “amputation”. I’ve never let go of Person Type 2 right after Person Type 1; Today I have, and it hardly matters how peaceful the parting was. Like damn. It’s a nauseous experience.

I’m not pretending to be okay with this. It hurts, and some say I drop people like Ali cuz I must I like the pain. Y’all are right. However, I never let go of people except for Allah. And if I feel pain for that– dayum. I’m the luckiest thing on Earth. And what doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger. But of course, I sometimes wonder a bit:

I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose
And I’m dying, dying from these exit wounds” 

— Exit Wounds, The Script

It’s a good song. And writing really does help. Writing is helping me breathe a little better. So I just wrote a rhapsody featuring a censored Eminem quote:

Tell me, how many more must I leave on this road?
I cut off each limb to save each body in hope
That it’ll be the last
The last to fall,
But I don’t think it’ll ever happen for me–
I guess this is  what they call destiny.

I’m fine with it,
No, really.
Leave me alone,
I ask these questions to me
I will recover because I’ve never felt pain I didn’t need.

Let these scars serve as a reminder
I’m a warrior, not a survivor:
When you come to mess with my head,
You’ll be thrown aside, conquered.

Whether you care about what I think or not,
I don’t really give a what
I won the last ten battles in this war
Cuz success is my only option, failure’s not.

Hm. This rap game could work. I feel better. I need some tea.

PEACE!!!

Quotable #11

I never knew Marshall could sing songs… or at least ones this “beautiful”:

 

“Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me, like I’m reaching out for you?

Meanwhile I’m just standin’ there
Holdin’ my tongue tryna talk like this
‘Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn’t tryna impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
‘Cause where you see it from where you’re sitting
It’s probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other’s shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let’s see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other’s eyes
But don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful”

Solution for textaholics

 Text-a-holic (n.): One who obsessively texts and always love getting texted back.

YES I’M GUILTY, OKAYYYY???? But I may have come up with a solution, accidentally.

I always buy phones with huge screens, cuz I tend to text at lightning speed and don’t even use autocorrect cuz it slows me down. My fingers are considerably bulky, probably cuz of my lifelong use of keyboards and pure hand exercise, therefore I require large keyboards. But I bought this tiny-screened phone cuz my brother said that a large, heavier phone (like my Note Edge) would be problematic to carry around at the university. Now I realise that my new crappy phone has a horribly tiny keyboard, and I had to install a third party keyboard cuz the default doesn’t have gesture typing. Yes, it’s that annoying to type. I had to go back to the dreaded word suggestions after a year of freedom.

Buy the tiniest phone you can find, with the tiniest keyboard and most annoying interface. Make it so that every time you try texting on it, it feels like torture.

The result? You won’t feel like texting unnecessarily at all. I think I’m cured… ish.

Quotable #9

“She’s got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul…

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly”

— The Script

Shrimpin’ Bidness

Oh gosh. I had to watch Forrest Gump, didn’t I? At first, I started like, well, let’s see what the big deal is with this movie that it inspired someone to open up a worldwide restaurant chain. But DAMN.

It’s been five minutes and I’m still crying. The whole movie runs about 2 hours and 22 minutes. In the middle, I thought about leaving it for the morning, but I am SO glad I didn’t. Oh, God, the ending.

I wasn’t expecting that. Just picked up my heart and crushed it into tiny little pieces. This movie is so wrapped up in memories and so much life. Just the simple truths as answers to all the questions we ask. How we don’t really know why life never makes sense. Why we just feel what we feel and it doesn’t always have to make sense, but sometimes we do things just because we feel like it, and some of us are lucky enough to be able to do that. How not every question has an answer.

The freedom to follow your instincts.

If you feel like running across the country for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours, just because your heart broke, you do it, until you outrun your past. If you feel like hopping on a bus to the great unknown, you do it. If you feel like telling your life story, you tell it– and you don’t look back to see who’s listening. Because that’s when life happens. When you’re not looking. Or, as the quote goes, “Shit happens”.

Some of the most amazing quotes by Forrest:

“My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”

“What’s normal anyways?”

“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.”

“Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company [Apple computer]. So then I got a call from him, saying we don’t have to worry about money no more. And I said, that’s good! One less thing.”

“You know it’s funny what a young man recollects? ‘Cause I don’t remember bein’ born. I don’t recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don’t know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the wide world.”

“I’m not a smart man. But I know what love is.”

“Some people don’t think miracles happen, well, they do.”

 

… and in dialogue:

 

(Jenny): Why are you so good to me?

(Forrest): You’re my girl!

 

(Forrest): Then, Bubba said something I won’t ever forget.

(Bubba): I wanna go home.

(Forrest): Bubba was my best good friend. And even I know that ain’t something you can find just around the corner. Bubba was going to be a shrimping boat captain, but instead, he died right there by that river in Vietnam.

 

(Forrest): [running] I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours.
[he stops and turns around]
(Young Man Running): Quiet, quiet! He’s gonna say something!
(Forrest): I’m pretty tired… I think I’ll go home now.

 

And a quote by Jenny I can completely relate to:

(Jenny):  Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.