We stop trying to kill ourselves because we have hope-
Perhaps it is hope that we are more than mere threads of smoke passing through cleaner lungs, only to be
lost, dancing into thin air, never to be breathed again.
Tag: hope
Little girl, big dreams. Big girl, bigger ambition. (MeTalk #16)
The moment when you remember how you used to dance around pretending to be a famous ballerina as a kid, and chuckle, because today you are working to be a political speaker and find yourself pretending someone is announcing your name and where you rose from as the rising star in politics.
Heh. Funny how our fantasies grow with us, isn’t it?
Time and family
I can see how much pain this Malaysia thing is causing my parents, to leave me here, and this campus is one of the most secure places ever. I’m not sure I can ask them to let me alone somewhere. Not that it would be halal either… I might have to do my Honours here. The thought hurts. But, I’m not sure I have an option. Well, I guess I have to make the most of what I have, and let time lead me, and just be best in every step. At least I’ll be able to say that I lived.
After all, four years is a long time. I hope.
“Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I’ll say
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived”
Quotable #22
This is my life right now… this scene gives me a lot of hope.
18 years, one dream… a whole lot of hope.
Metamorphosis (MeTalk#2)
You see, I don’t care what other people think they know. I’ve gone far enough to know how the battlefield can change a person. I know how staring down the barrel of a shotgun can change perspectives. I know how being scored by a thousand lashing tongues can change your skin forever. You think people never change? If they never change, they’re not real people. Everything in the world changes. If someone never changes, they never went the full mile. If they never change, they never stood up against something.
If people never change, they’re both the luckiest and unluckiest people, in my opinion. On the bright side, they can live in a lovely world where there is never any need for improvement, and they’re comfortable. On the unlucky side, they can live in a lovely world where there is never any need for improvement, and they’re comfortable.
We all change. Actually, change is too simple of a word. The exceptional people in this world metamorphose. They evolve. The weak people of this world devolve. They undo their hard work by deciding that they’ll change back.
I once said that I’ll change back. I’m slowly discovering that as much as I wish, I can’t go back. I may still be sort of in that dark place, but I’ve been changed. I’ve been fixed in some small ways. Some ways that make it impossible to go back. Not to that place. I still get depressed, I still feel weak- days I can’t move, days I can’t smile, days I cry, days that I want to give up. But there’s a small voice in me that keeps telling me that tomorrow is coming, and I don’t want to miss it. Something keeps telling me to say “Thank you” and “Ameen” and just take the hits as they come.
It’s amazing how a little exercise and being physically strong can make you feel a little more emotionally healed. I’d started doing bicep curls a couple weeks ago, and the results make me feel a little bit awesome. Hah, I’m not even sure why I just wrote this.
Anyway. I’m probably not changing back. My mom is being much more supportive and telling me that I’m strong, and I shouldn’t cry. Heh. If only. I am strong. But a thing is only as strong as its weakest point. And it’s at my weakest point that life keeps hitting me, and I keep having to push myself back up.
I’m just now taking the time to reiterate my shortcomings- maybe writing it down, exposing it to the largely unknown world will help me figure this shit out. I hope. So I’ll be alright, and
It. Starts. Now. 