The weather and shit

Back in BD I used to get sick ONCE a year. Only when the weather changed from winter to summer. Or in other words, in spring. Allergies? Maybe. The point is, ONCE. Because I don’t have problems with cold weather, I have problems with WARM weather. And Malaysia is 24/7 WARM. And not only that, it’s also highly polluted. So the combination is just peachy, ain’t it? I need colder. 

And Ammu is joking that I should make my great uncle and move from place to place until I find the right climate for my “delicate” internal ecosystem. I think the problem is the drastic shift in climate that Malaysia has like, every day.

Oh well, it’s not like I have options at the mo. At least starting classes at Monash will make the trips back and forth from class less exhausting when I’m sick. Look at me, being all… positive. Ech.

Of cousins and Economics

My immediately younger cousin is giving his O level exams, and it was English yesterday. I just randomly found him online and texted to know how its going. So, he tells me he’s worried about studies, not sure if he’ll do well and “kharap korle manush ke chehara dekhabo kemne?”. I understand his fears… I almost empathise. But I did tell him that it only matters that he did HIS best, not THE best, because his best may not BE the best. His mother always points out my results as some sort of level he has to reach, but in an affectionate way. So I told him that. Not everyone is at the same level everywhere. Once he passes O level, he can go and do what he really wants to do- graphic designing. But like it or not, grades are important. And then he told me something that really… It meant a lot to me.

Tomar moto akta bon kache thaka lage. Seriously.

That was before I gave him any advice on how to prep for the exam. I realised soon that he HADN’T studied the best he could cuz he didnt know the letter formats, and he was big enough to admit he hadn’t done his best.

 So I just said what any realist would say. That if he fails, he’ll simply have to live with that shame of letting down everyone who cares to see him succeed because… He was hanging out with his friends, all of whom had no interest in studying, because, lo and behold, they have rich dads and can feed off them for the rest of their lives. And my cousin’s parents can barely afford his tuition. 

And I explained to him that he needs to outgrow where his from, take every opportunity as it comes, but one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s lost all of them. And I did indirectly ask if he wants to be like his father, who can’t even support the family with hsi income, for whatever reason. And all he could say is that he has nothing to say.

But that’s what they all say when I point out the bitter truth… Usually when they didn’t really receive it. But hey, I did what I needed. My time is money now, and I can’t waste it on someone who’s gonna waste it. This pre-6am blog post pretty much it. 

But he did text me last night saying that he was nervous at the beginning of the exam, but he did his best. And as long that that kid brother of mine is satisfied with his work, InshaAllah he’ll do well. Because I had once tutored him for TWO HOURS and the subject I taught him was his best results of that exam. He’s way smarter than he thinks. He’s just gotta put the effort in. 

Those are the people who are the real champions of this world. The odds don’t get to them.

Speaking of odds, I have  an econs exam worth 4% today and I havent been able to study for the last few days because of my sickness. My head’s all muddled. Sigh. Well, I guess I’ll do my best cuz… I have no other choice. Weehu.

Self-esteem

I think standing up for yourself is one of the most admirable qualities a person can have. It’s difficult sometimes… To gauge whether we’re being confident or arrogant, but the truth is… It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. It may not always be the right thing to do, but sometimes we’re left with no choice.

So, to boosting self-esteem I say- go forth and conquer.

Not sure why I keep complaining about this… But damn, I’m sick of being ill. I’m glad I’m not panicking and getting high bp like last time, but its still bad. I think its the flu now, not a bacterial infection. But eitherway, its breaking me down. I’m kinda brain dead at this point, making silly grammatical mistakes and typos because my fingers are shaky. I’m sitting at the doctor’s now, typing this cuz I didnt want to burden myself with the Note, so I dont have a book to get lost in. Had a wonderful time getting lost last night though. Aflame. Sigh. This series is just my soul series.

Anywho, I’m dealing with three huge problems this time- fatigue, cuz anything more than walking a few steps is making me break out in cold sweat. MAJOR sore throat, I can’t even swallow water without pain. And finally, confusion- which means I can’t study for my economics test this saturday, and even if I do, I won’t be able to write crap in the actual test. 

From what I can tell, I’m hyper sensitive to the viruses and bacteria here. I ignore the fact that I don’t even want to BE here. That race done been run, and I’m also done nagging on about it. Life is never predictable and never goes to plan. I’ve made my peace with that. So, I’ve been rolling around wrapped up in my comforter watching… a certain TV series on my laptop. Of course, the bed too small for actual rolling and I’m unable to fall asleep in the middle of the day, but who’s counting? 

The lady in front of me is playing Candy Crush. So, typically Mom-ish. Cute. And my head is throbbing so much I’m actually considering lying down on the floor. I had to go to college to pass my biology report to friend of mine so she can submit it for me. 

I’m losing it. I don’t wanna be ill. Help.

Now that I’m FINALLY back home…

I landed wrong on my ankle today AGAIN…. but…. I walked/ran full tilt home cuz I have to write this down without 1000 MUFY-ians screaming in my ears after a fully wasted day.

I was gonna buy a pizza and take a second cheat day to celebrate, but I got the carb-filling in the free lunch at college anyway. Cuz like WHAT WHAT WHAT I AM SO DAMN EXCITED *throws confetti* Some people are silently judging me because I didn’t react appropriately, but I don’t have to show everyone everything I’m thinking do I? Nope, I do not. I’m perfectly comfortable celebrating in the comfort of my room with prayers of gratitude and unhealthy food. YIP! Well-applied effort will ALWAYS Insha Allah be rewarded with well-deserved good news. ^______^

They call it family.

All those movies and songs about family, like oh so sweet. Bull shit. All of it. Bull shit. It’s always family that stands between me and my happiness. Always.

Even when I’m happiest… they’ll always be the ones to bring me down. Always. And I wish WISH it were different but it never is. Never. One phone call from them when I’m happy, and it’s enough to bring back that cloud of depression that comes from being disrespected as a person OVER and OVER. OVER AND OVER LIKE A FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER.  And I can’t tell anyone, because well, LO AND BEHOLD, THEY’RE FUCKING FAMILY. Family that I’ve never loved and been comfortable using as a piggy bank. I can’t help what I feel, and now I know this for sure. Unless I’m at my lowest- depressed, lonely and directionless- I’ll never find comfort there, and even then it’s more of a pit stop. Those are the moments I don’t feel so apart from them.

But no, when I’m happy or doing well, and pushing myself higher, it’s just how it’s always been- me on the outside looking in, because I don’t mesh with them. I don’t. I don’t even want to. They call it family- I call it the inconvenience of blood. Almost 20 years on this Earth, and it’s never been different from this.

I’m sick of this. I need to let it out, and let it be heard before I forget it tomorrow. I will NOT let them bring me down again. I’m not going down this time because of them. I refuse to let them have sway over me again, because it’s always going to be their loss- because I don’t love them and when I don’t love something, I can go without it. Maybe not without the cash flow, but the rest of it, sure. And I don’t give a damn about how heartless I sound. I’ll do anything to protect my mind from depression. I don’t WANT to feel how I’m feeling right now. I’m not going to let it in again.

Sometimes when I read my old conversations… it sickens me a bit to see how determined I was to be sad. I may be like that again, too. But it still sickens. I hope and pray that the mindset I have now… it doesn’t change.