Some days, I do need to remind myself…(MeTalk #22)

That I have far more to be grateful for than to be sad about. I’m in Malaysia, I’m actually free to exit my home and come back as I please. I actually go shopping for my own groceries, a store in my neighbourhood sells Hot Cheetos and I have halal Subway. I have a balcony I can stand at, overlooking a gorgeous city.

I have my breath, I have my ever-shifting dreams. Haha, Ammu is actually opening her own crochet business on her facebook page and I’m designing her logo and getting a commission. These things happen… and miraculously. InshaAllah she’ll do well. If she can do it, maybe so can I… someday. I have no real problems. Sometimes money gets a little tight, but so far I’ve never had to ask Abbu for extra money because I have learned how to squeeze through these tight spots.

I do get tired. I do get frustrated. Sometimes I blame… and I blame in order to get rid of the pain. Sometimes I feel like the roads I wish to go down aren’t meant for me. The work I usually find pleasure in doing makes me feel like shooting myself in the face.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get my results, and I have no clue how I did in Psychology. I’m probably going to do very badly, but it could be a fail too. But who I am going to blame? No one. My cousin is one of those people who takes advice from me because he’s failing his studies. I say this to him and everyone else who comes to me worried about their futures, and so I say this to myself too. If you put in the effort, you will get results. There is no excuse there. He will fail if he doesn’t change… and I’m afraid, like most people who ask me for advice and then don’t take it, he won’t change. That’s something I have to live with too, and not be hurt because it’s his life. That kid can do things, but he’s just lazy sometimes, simply saying “I can’t” and sitting around wishing for a damned miracle. It’s tough, being a confidant. Because you have to watch them… and understand it’s not in your hands.

Thus, if I do badly in Psychology the truth is, I didn’t try. I was frustrated, I was angry, I got sick of it and… I gave up on it because it felt like it wasn’t worth it. If I fail, it’s my fault and I’ll deal with it like I deal with every little thing that goes haywire. Everyone would believe that I don’t fuck up my studies or other things. I do, perhaps less than others because I put in crazy levels of effort solely into NOT fucking up.

I’m going to run for elections next year, and it’s going to be HELL. Running for elections in Monash is serious business. You actually have to have an agenda, a manifest that people vote on. You debate your opponent and you have to win. Plus I’ll be the Treasurer of the Toastmasters club. I have to ask Abbu for that money. That last part upsets me a bit, I don’t like asking him for money at all.

Recently, I’ve learned to accept a harsh truth. I have very specific tastes, and expensive ones–despite the fact that Abbu can pay for those things, I cannot. Somehow that has spurred my motivation a little higher. I can’t afford the kind of life I want to live. People like me, who has never run into that financial ceiling needs to forcefully realise that there IS one. I need to earn money. I need to support myself even though I can live off my father–because I’m capable of doing great things, and I simply want to, due to my luxurious tastes. I’m definitely not saying that I’ll make it, but hey, I have a greater than average chance of being a trailblazer. I’ve done many impossible things, but only when I’ve really wanted to. Hey, I think I really want to. Someday I want to walk into an Alexander McQueen store and buy myself a suit. Why? Because satisfaction.

See, my dreams change with the months, depending on how tired or bored I am, or how reactive I’m feeling. My ambitions shift and reform too–but my potential will never falter, insha’Allah. I have this annoying habit of only reaching higher, which means I get good, then I get better. And better. Because why will I keep my potential low? Why won’t be good enough to blow the world wide open for my taking? Why not be ambitious so you can be best you can be?

I think the most important I keep doing this is so that I can tell people that they can do it too. I think it’s so I can tell people we all limitations, but with the work put in… your limitations may be expanded. Everything is possible.

In the end, again, I have to remind myself. Life is good. There was once a time I believed my life was worth nothing because, if I went away, I would not be missed, and no one would truly mourn. I wasn’t making an impact. But now, I am. I’m alive and well, Alhamdulillah. I still feel melancholy sometimes. I feel like “What’s the point?”. And then, like this, I remind myself. This. This is the point. Life doesn’t always have a purpose. Sometimes I just lose it, and later on, I find it because ‘I’. I am the point. I am a human being who’s contributing to society, one person at a time and DAMMIT, I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I am supposed to breathe and make a difference. I found a purpose. I have people who love me, and I have people who care. May it be that they will not mourn me for long, may it be that they will not miss me every second of the day. May it be I don’t truly have ‘family’ yet. May it be all that, but I have worth. I will breathe. Because I can.

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