I love how casually people can hurt other people they claim to care about and- here’s the truly asinine part- not even realise they have because they’re completely out of touch with another person’s emotional well-being. I’d almost forgotten, and during my this “return to positive” phase, I managed to set myself up for more pain. Because I started expecting again. I mean, seriously, these are the same people who were there when I was at my lowest. Why should I expect that anything has changed? It’s me who has changed. Again and again and again, because I want to be better than who I was yesterday. They haven’t changed shit about their lives, or their understanding of me. They simply haven’t.
I think I need to lose this disease of wanting people. I once lived my thinking I was the only one of my kind. I’ve since learned better, and I have people physically around me, unlike back then. It’s not like last time, and plus, I’m not a little kid having my eyes opened for the first time. Yet, I still make the same mistakes. I’ll be DAMNED if I’m labelled as someone who “needs” attention from the same self-absorbed assholes I had then. I’ll be damned if I do that again. Then I have to lie through my teeth and pretend to be just peachy, because saying otherwise is just cruelty- they’ll never understand. I hate feeling like a victim.
Thus, I did start reading again. Who needs humans? They’re mostly useless anyway. They say you need to start loving your own company to stop feeling the need for other people’s company. Well, I had that, I managed to fuck that up too. Of course, they payoff was more than worth it, but I digress. I’m slowly coming into new realisations, and it amazes me how we never really stop growing, as long as we can refuse to get comfortable. Fighting my own instincts is pretty great, assuming my new disposition doesn’t go south along with it. Maybe I’m just sick of feeling I’m not good enough.
This is war. And I don’t lose.